December 29

My mother died when she was 55.

At the time I was in my late 20’s and it affected me like any other person - sadness and guilt and those emotions. But now that I am 55, I realize that it affected me in a different way too, Although I could not have told you this beforehand, there was some part of me that didn’t believe that I would live after 55 either.

I don’t mean that in a pessimistic way, or even a devil-may-care way. In fact, part of my head was always planning the future simply because if I didn’t plan it, it might not happen.

Now as I approach my 56th birthday in a month or so, I can see this “planning” for what it was - an attempt to control the future.

I cannot control the future. Today is all I have - all any of us have. I may die tomorrow, or I may live for another 50 years - the likelihood is it’ll be somewhere between those two extremes. I just don’t know. But I do know that I can live today to the best of my ability, and, more importantly, enjoy what today has to offer.

For today I can enjoy my Christmas lights - I will be taking them down soon, but I can enjoy them whilst they are there. I can enjoy the view of the river from my window. I can enjoy the quiet. I can enjoy being alone, and then go enjoy being with other people.

There are things I find it harder to “enjoy”, but I can accept them and be at peace with them. I can find joy in them, even if I don’t enjoy them.

Acceptance gets a bad press sometimes. Often it is perceived as being the same as just allowing a bad situation to continue. On the contrary - it seems to me that acceptance means that I see things as they are, not as I might wish them to be. Acceptance means accepting that I am worth happiness and contentment. And sometimes it means that I accept I am worth better that this - whatever the current “this” is. And if I accept that, then it’s also up to me to change whatever I can change.

Today is working out exactly as it should be, and I’m along for the ride, so I may as well enjoy it.