Happy

Today I am willing to be happy. What does that mean? - don’t I have to wait for good things to happen so that I can be happy? What has willingness got to do with it?

Well, to some extent that’s true - external things can influence me to be happy or miserable - but really it’s up to me to decide if I want the external event to affect my internal mood. But if I’m willing to look for the happiness in any situation, I can find it.

Just recently, we had snow - we don’t get snow very often in my part of the world, and the sight of it made me smile - I was happy it had snowed. After 3 days of more snow, and with no sign of a thaw, it was not quite so “different” anymore.

Many of the people I met, who had initially been happy with the snow, were now getting less tolerant of it. Some were complaining about the slippery sidewalks, and indeed these were a concern. Others talked about the cold, and 4 days of below freezing temperatures did bring their own problems. More complained about the local authorities not doing more to clear the snow from the minor roads, many of which did still have a lot of ice on them, making driving difficult.

And yet through all that, being happy was still an option - some would say they were happy simply because they were complaining! But for me it was something to be experienced, to photograph, to wonder at - yes - to be happy about.

As with the weather, so with most of the externals in my life - I can’t change control or change them. Most emphatically I can’t control or change the people in my life - they will continue to make their own choices about what they do and say.

But whilst I can’t control the externals, I can control my actions - I can make choices.

And for today I choose to be happy.

Feeling

Sad, upset, miserable, as well as cheerful, pleased, happy - all these are "just" feelings. But I tend to label some of these feelings as “bad” and some as “good”, and there is a danger that when I have one of the bad ones, I’ll try to avoid it or hide from it. And equally, when I’m having a “good” feeling, I want it to continue and never stop. Both of these reactions are a manifestation of selfwill - of my desire to control the world.

Well, it seems that I’m not God, and so don’t get to control the world or very much in it. Feelings come and go - they are transitory and everything changes - even change changes! I don’t get to hold on to “happy” any more than I get never to feel “Sad”.

And there is a balance here - we have to accept our feelings because they are real and need to be acknowledged. But we also need to remember that they are just feelings, and ask ourselves -do we need to act on this one? Or just let it change?

Sometimes, I just need to admit the feelings to another person - just admit them and more on. Sometimes I need to act, because the feeling is there because there is something I need to change. This is where I need to try to listen to my inner voice - which I call the voice of God - to work out what the next right thing to do is.

Feelings are valuable; we have them for a reason. Like physical sensations, they are neither intrinsically good nor intrinsically bad - they just are. If I get a sensation of pain when I touch a hot stove, I don’t label the feeling as bad - it is a good warning that I need to move my hand, and quickly!

When I am feeling upset with someone, just like pain from the stove it is telling me something.

Maybe I had unreasonable expectations of that person, and need to realize that not everything always is about me.

Or maybe they genuinely did do something wrong, in which case I need to accept that they are who they are, and that this bad thing happened - me being upset will not change the fact.

In either case, there is action I need to take - just like moving my hand from the hot stove, I may need to move my thoughts from what someone else “should have done”, to what I can do now.

If I am really in touch with my feelings, I can use them as a valuable recourse to show me the way I need to change my life.

December 29

My mother died when she was 55.

At the time I was in my late 20’s and it affected me like any other person - sadness and guilt and those emotions. But now that I am 55, I realize that it affected me in a different way too, Although I could not have told you this beforehand, there was some part of me that didn’t believe that I would live after 55 either.

I don’t mean that in a pessimistic way, or even a devil-may-care way. In fact, part of my head was always planning the future simply because if I didn’t plan it, it might not happen.

Now as I approach my 56th birthday in a month or so, I can see this “planning” for what it was - an attempt to control the future.

I cannot control the future. Today is all I have - all any of us have. I may die tomorrow, or I may live for another 50 years - the likelihood is it’ll be somewhere between those two extremes. I just don’t know. But I do know that I can live today to the best of my ability, and, more importantly, enjoy what today has to offer.

For today I can enjoy my Christmas lights - I will be taking them down soon, but I can enjoy them whilst they are there. I can enjoy the view of the river from my window. I can enjoy the quiet. I can enjoy being alone, and then go enjoy being with other people.

There are things I find it harder to “enjoy”, but I can accept them and be at peace with them. I can find joy in them, even if I don’t enjoy them.

Acceptance gets a bad press sometimes. Often it is perceived as being the same as just allowing a bad situation to continue. On the contrary - it seems to me that acceptance means that I see things as they are, not as I might wish them to be. Acceptance means accepting that I am worth happiness and contentment. And sometimes it means that I accept I am worth better that this - whatever the current “this” is. And if I accept that, then it’s also up to me to change whatever I can change.

Today is working out exactly as it should be, and I’m along for the ride, so I may as well enjoy it.