Defeat

We are brought up in a society that doesn't like to admit defeat. We learn from an early age that we have to strive to succeed, that we can if we try. And when we see something that we can't control, that has us defeated, there seem to be only two alternatives.

One approach is to re-double our efforts – to keep on trying to do the impossible. This way leads to broken health and bitterness as time after time we are defeated. Often, it leads to demoralization, a feeling that we have no self worth. Occasionally it does lead to success, but this often only means that we move on to another obstacle, even harder to overcome.

Another approach is to give up – to say, that is just how it is, and not even try anymore. Whilst on the face of it this seems easier, it can also mean we give up on our dreams and live a life without meaning, a life without hope. While living like this can appear to be unruffled, it is also much too often unfulfilled too.

But there is an alternative approach when we find an obstacle that we can't overcome. And that is to admit defeat and seek help.

It's important that we do both – first, we have to admit defeat. We have to acknowledge in ourselves that we can't do this particular thing, or that we have a problem in this particular area. It is a truism that the first step in recovery from any form of addiction, is the acknowledgment that we have a problem. So it is with any issue – we have to admit that we are defeated before we can start to win.

Many will say that admitting defeat just means that we are being negative – but on the contrary, if we admit defeat and look for help, then we are being nothing but positive. We are acknowledging the truth, and from that place of truth we can move on to discover the way through.

Maybe the help we need is practical – I, for example, am no good with engines, so when my car isn't working, it is no good me pretending that I am able to fix it – I have to admit that I don't know how, and take the car to the garage to be fixed.

Sometimes, the help we need is emotional. When going through a divorce we need not just practical help from legal professionals, but support from our family and friends to get over the emotional scares

And sometimes the help we need is spiritual. When my mother died, for example, I could do all the practical things like organizing the funeral, and dealing with the estate, and friends were there for me. But I had to admit I was powerless over my feelings of loss and abandonment. For this there were no words from friends that would help, no practical assistance that a professional could supply. I needed to rely on prayer and mediation to provide me with a measure of acceptance.

But in all of these, the first step is admitting defeat.

Control

I still struggle with issues around “control” - what I can control and what I can't – what should I try to control and what should I just accept.

It is oddly easy to give up trying to control the world for my own selfish reasons – to give up the pretence that I could control others to give me what I thought I wanted. It is less easy to give up trying to make people see things my way, when they are so obviously wrong (in my eyes!)

A while ago I had correspondence with someone who was sure that I was a radical atheist, hell bent on oppressing religious views everywhere I saw them. As someone who considers themselves a Christian, it's disturbing to me when other people who call themselves Christians have such a fundamentalist view that any suggestion that there is any other view is jumped on as an example of anti-christian bias.

What I really wanted to do was change them, make them realize that far from helping people see “the truth”, they were only alienating people. And I only wanted it for them for their own good – or did I?

The truth is that even in this there was ego involved – I want everyone that professes the same faith as me to be nice, so that I don't need to feel bad. I don't want to be associated with that sort of “hit them over the head till they admit they are wrong” sort of rhetoric.

But I can't control them. No matter how “right” I am, or how “wrong” they are, I can't control them.

Another person I know is slowly self-destructing – I can see it, and the sad thing is, so can they. And so I want to control them out of their self-destructive behaviors and make them well – what is wrong with that?

Of course, there is nothing wrong with wanting to help him, to be a place he can share in safely, even to offer suggestions of things he might try. But I cannot make him take my advise, no matter how good it is. I can't control his actions and his thoughts.

In the end, it's all summed up in that version of the Serenity Prayer that I heard a while ago:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the people I cannot change,
courage to change the one I can,
and wisdom to know it's me.

Content

Being content may sound like choosing second best. We strive to be happy and to see the best in everything, but sometimes even our best decisions don't help us keep to being happy.

Ans sometimes we should be sad. A death of a loved one, or the ending of a relationship – even the loss of something that we valued like a well liked picture – any of these can and probably should make us sad.

But being content is something that can happen outside of our current state of happiness. Being content can mean that we know that all is just the way it should be today. That even our sadness, is a right and proper way to grieve, and that underneath that, we know that all is well.

Contentment may seem a placid thing – something that comes along on us without our knowledge. And sometimes we can just be content because we are happy enough with where we are right now. But also, contentment can be worked for – and it is worth working for it.

If we are basically content with ourselves, we can still endeavor to be better, but we will not beat ourselves up if we don't win out at the first attempt. If we rely just on happiness to keep us going, then at the first sign that we are failing, that happiness will leave us, and we may decide just to give up.

But if we are content that we are doing our best, we can carry on and push through temporary failure, and look for the greater success in the future.

So how do I get contentment in my life? One way is through thankfulness. A task I sometimes set myself is to write a list of 100 things that I am grateful for. This may sound like a pointless – or too hard! - exercise, but there are so many things that I can be grateful for, even in the worse of times.

Another source of contentment is to do worthwhile things – to now that I have done something as well as I can, or that I have helped someone or been or service to them.

Contentment keeps me balanced and centered – it is there in spite of pleasure or pain – happiness or sadness – rain or shine. If I can promote my contentment, then I can see myself through the bad times, and not worry that the good times will fail me.

Unique

There is a saying “remember you’re unique - just like everyone else”. Whilst this is supposed to be amusing, it also covers a very important point.

I am unique - there is only one person who is exactly like me. There is no one else that has had just this set of life experiences. Not only are my fingerprints unique, so is everything else about my physical and emotional make up.

At the same time, I’m just like everyone else - I need to breath, eat and sleep just like everyone else. I’m very similar to anyone else brought up in a suburb of a major capital city: I've listened to the same music, watched the same TV programs, lived through the same events.

So how do we resolve this unique/same issue?

Well, in my life I’ve made the same mistakes that other people have made - only I did them in my way. I’ve found joy in the same sort of things that others do - but I found my own joy in them, and did not experience other people’s feeling.

To a casual observer, my life and relationships will look the same as countless other people who share my gender and general physical make up. But that is only superficially true, because all of the assumptions you might make about my life are based on your experience of living your life.

An example of this is the medium I’m using here - the written word. If you are reading this you and I share the same basic language, we can both read and write English. But we bring our own personalities to the written word - I write this in one way, and you would write the self same thing in different words.

Even more interesting, you and I can read the same thing and get different meanings from it, depending on our own experience with a certain word, or a certain meaning. My understanding of any word will be shaped by my experience of that word in the past, which will be subtly different from anyone else’s experiences of it.

This is the great thing we need to remember - we don’t really live in an objective reality - the world we live in is experienced through a filter - the filter of our own experiences and assumptions.

And this is the real reason we are all unique - because we all live in our own universe - a world that we have created from the sum total of our experiences.

Self-worth

Some mornings - like this morning - I wake up feeling totally useless and pointless. What have I contributed to the sum of human happiness in the world? What have I contributed to the happiness of me? How do even justify my existence?

There is nothing that anyone can say to me that will get this feeling off of my soul. There is no self-talk or inspirational book I can read that will make it better.

There is nothing that I can eat, drink, smoke or inject that will make it any better. Although some of those will take away the pain for a moment, they won't change the feeling. And when they wear off, the feeling of uselessness will be a whole lot worse.

On days like these I have a number of options of what to do.

I can decide that there is no point, and stay in bed all morning, then get up and mope and feel miserable. I can write a few e-mails telling anyone that will listen - and even those who don’t want to - how miserable I am. I can look for validation in others telling me that I am worthwhile - but reject that validation when it comes, because I know, deep inside that I’m worthless - if they really knew me they’d agree that I was worthless too.

But whilst my body might not be moving much, my mind would be working overtime, going over and over all the mistakes I’d ever made, and how nothing would ever get any better.

At the end of the day I’d go back to bed totally exhausted, wake sometime early the next morning, and repeat the cycle.

Or, I can choose to do something different.

What I choose to do today is “Act as if”. I can feel self respect if I do things that respect me. I can feel self worth if I do worthwhile things. There is an old saying that I can’t think my way out of negative actions, but I can act my way out of negative thoughts.

So today I got up, showered, shaved and dressed. I put out some food and water for the wild birds that I love to see in my garden. I put a load of laundry on, washed the dishes and made fresh coffee. And I came to my computer to write.

Has anything changed? Not in what people call the real world, no. But in the world I live in - the world as experienced inside my head - there is a chink of light.

Maybe I’m not useless, if I can do all that when I don’t feel like doing anything. Maybe the point is just to live life on life’s terms, one day at a time. Maybe I’m not worthless, just for today.

Life in the past

Sometimes, we spend too much time living life in the past.

It’s easy for us to look back at things that happened before and try to live them all over again in the present. Maybe they are happy memories, and we want to recapture the things that happened before. We want to know again that excitement of a first love, the taste of a fresh picked strawberry, or the feel of the sun on our bodies in the never ending summer.

And then we look at our current life, and it doesn’t match up with our memories. Our current relationship - or lake of one - does not compare. Nothing we eat ever quite matches that taste we have in our memory. The summers are never as good as they were.

On the other hand, the memories may not be positive ones. It may be we are thinking about someone who hurt or abused us, or occasions where we hurt or abused others. We go back and think about what we could have done or said, what we could have done to protect ourselves or how worthless we are to have acted in the way we did. We are discontented and irritable - we can’t live our life now because of regrets about the past

What we are really doing here is being dishonest - we are not accepting reality.

It is good to have memories of the things that made us happy - as long as we realize they are memories. We can share them with others, and feel again the happiness they gave us. But it is important to keep making new memories - today is a day that we can look back on with pleasure in the future!

When we spend time regretting the past, re-running conversations and thinking about actions we could have taken, we are trying to change the past - and that is impossible. The facts of what happened cannot be changed. Where we did wrong we can make amends, and indeed should do so for our peace of mind. Where we have been hurt, we need to stop torturing ourselves by wondering what we did wrong or could have done better.

Acceptance doesn’t imply anything about saying that past abuse was right, but it is about accepting that it happened, rather than trying to change the past and make it un-happen.

Living in the present means knowing that the past happened - and that it is past - over and done with.

We need to only live today - yesterday has already been used.

Assumptions

I had a couple of interesting lessons about assumptions the last few days, with the world showing me once again that I don’t know everything - in fact, I know very little.

I hadn’t heard from someone for ages, I’d kept up my side of the conversation by e-mail, but had not had a response. And I assumed I knew why, and was accepting of that. Then - surprise! - I heard from them, and I made another assumption based on what they had said. Then I hear from them again today and once again my assumption was incorrect!

On a much less “personal” front, I was planning on going somewhere by bus, and turned up at the bus station, only to find there were no buses! My assumption there about their running times proved totally wrong, and I had to go back home again.

Both of these incidents point up something about the way I view the world, because I often think I know the answers. Often, I see others hurting themselves and want to “help”, because, after all, what I would do would be much better.

But even if meant for the best of intentions - and mostly my intentions ARE for the best - I can get it wrong for a number of simple reasons:
• I don’t know the whole story
• I don’t know what else is happening
• I can’t control others, their thoughts, actions or reactions.

I guess we can’t help but make assumptions - it seems to be part of our human make up. I can’t be down on myself for making the assumptions about the reasons for my friends actions - but I didn’t have to act on them. And that is the key, it seems to me - to do the next right thing anyway, regardless of what others may - or may not - be thinking.

In the end, I’m only responsible for my actions - just because I feel I know something, doesn’t mean I have to act on it. But I can maybe test out my assumption.

Testing out my assumption about my friend meant keeping in contact despite of what I thought I knew.

In the case of the bus, I should have checked first, and you can be sure I will next time!

Happy

Today I am willing to be happy. What does that mean? - don’t I have to wait for good things to happen so that I can be happy? What has willingness got to do with it?

Well, to some extent that’s true - external things can influence me to be happy or miserable - but really it’s up to me to decide if I want the external event to affect my internal mood. But if I’m willing to look for the happiness in any situation, I can find it.

Just recently, we had snow - we don’t get snow very often in my part of the world, and the sight of it made me smile - I was happy it had snowed. After 3 days of more snow, and with no sign of a thaw, it was not quite so “different” anymore.

Many of the people I met, who had initially been happy with the snow, were now getting less tolerant of it. Some were complaining about the slippery sidewalks, and indeed these were a concern. Others talked about the cold, and 4 days of below freezing temperatures did bring their own problems. More complained about the local authorities not doing more to clear the snow from the minor roads, many of which did still have a lot of ice on them, making driving difficult.

And yet through all that, being happy was still an option - some would say they were happy simply because they were complaining! But for me it was something to be experienced, to photograph, to wonder at - yes - to be happy about.

As with the weather, so with most of the externals in my life - I can’t change control or change them. Most emphatically I can’t control or change the people in my life - they will continue to make their own choices about what they do and say.

But whilst I can’t control the externals, I can control my actions - I can make choices.

And for today I choose to be happy.

Feeling

Sad, upset, miserable, as well as cheerful, pleased, happy - all these are "just" feelings. But I tend to label some of these feelings as “bad” and some as “good”, and there is a danger that when I have one of the bad ones, I’ll try to avoid it or hide from it. And equally, when I’m having a “good” feeling, I want it to continue and never stop. Both of these reactions are a manifestation of selfwill - of my desire to control the world.

Well, it seems that I’m not God, and so don’t get to control the world or very much in it. Feelings come and go - they are transitory and everything changes - even change changes! I don’t get to hold on to “happy” any more than I get never to feel “Sad”.

And there is a balance here - we have to accept our feelings because they are real and need to be acknowledged. But we also need to remember that they are just feelings, and ask ourselves -do we need to act on this one? Or just let it change?

Sometimes, I just need to admit the feelings to another person - just admit them and more on. Sometimes I need to act, because the feeling is there because there is something I need to change. This is where I need to try to listen to my inner voice - which I call the voice of God - to work out what the next right thing to do is.

Feelings are valuable; we have them for a reason. Like physical sensations, they are neither intrinsically good nor intrinsically bad - they just are. If I get a sensation of pain when I touch a hot stove, I don’t label the feeling as bad - it is a good warning that I need to move my hand, and quickly!

When I am feeling upset with someone, just like pain from the stove it is telling me something.

Maybe I had unreasonable expectations of that person, and need to realize that not everything always is about me.

Or maybe they genuinely did do something wrong, in which case I need to accept that they are who they are, and that this bad thing happened - me being upset will not change the fact.

In either case, there is action I need to take - just like moving my hand from the hot stove, I may need to move my thoughts from what someone else “should have done”, to what I can do now.

If I am really in touch with my feelings, I can use them as a valuable recourse to show me the way I need to change my life.